Hot Takes

Turtlenecks: A Sketch

INT: STUDIO,PLAIN BACKGROUND. DIFFERENT WOMEN OF ALL SHAPES/SIZES/STYLES. ALL DIFFERENT BUT ALL WITH ONE THING IN COMMON: THEY ARE WEARING TURTLENECKS AND THEY ALL HAVE AN AIR OF MYSTERY ABOUT THEM. SHOT FORM THE WAIST UP.

The women are looking at the camera, interacting with each other, they are laughing, they are free, are in turtlenecks. Think a Dove Commercial but turtlenecks. Voiceover starts to comes in

VOICEOVER
She's sophisticated yet cozy.

Close up of the women tugging on the neck of the turtleneck in a model like fashion, showcasing the turtleneck.

 VOICEOVER (CONT'D)
It could be winter, spring or even summer but
she's always protecting her neck.

Shots showcasing the different kinds of turtleneck, little ones big ones, sweaters, thin materials, scoop necks, tight necks.

VOICEOVER (CONT'D)
   So straight laced yet so, so sexy.

VOICEOVER (CONT'D)
She's modest, yet so mysterious. What is she hiding
under that knit. 

We see the woman looking mysterious.

VOICEOVER (CONT'D)
   Is it the next great american novel?

 WOMAN
My editor needs these note by the morning.

         VOICEOVER
   Is it a snack for later?

Woman pulls out a piece of bacon.

        WOMAN
I know pigs have emotions, I just can’t help myself.

VOICEOVER (CONT'D)
Is it the rejection letter to all of the Ivy league schools
    she applied to and then was rejected from but she never
     told anyone that she even tried, she insisted she wanted
to go to Michigan.

Envelopes popping out of her neck line.

  WOMAN
They have an amazing psych program.

   VOICEOVER
Is it tampons? Just so many tampons? Like so so many

  WOMAN
I have a heavy flow.

VOICEOVER
Or is it all the serums and lotion she uses to keep said
 neck so supple and soft but then doesn't have the
confidence to show that neck off because she is in her
 ( GASP) early 30's.

WOMAN
It's just my chin does this thing where it exist on my face.

VOICEOVER
The turtleneck, hiding the secrets of womanhood for…
Woman enter the scene, wearing a turtleneck.

WOMAN
Oh, I am not hiding anything I wear a turtleneck cause if a man
 tries to strangle me it will take longer for him to you know
(pantomimes getting strangled/ getting murdered)

The other woman start to nod about this reveal.

VOICEOVER
 That makes sense.

WOMAN
Yea I might be listening to many murder podcasts but I
 haven't been strangled yet. So it seems like a win.

VOICEOVER
Turtlenecks, your first defense against getting strangled.

French Connection

The other night outside of a comedy show a French tourist came up to ME and asked,

“Do you know where I can buy zee weed?”

I have never been so flattered. I wondered what it was about me that lead her to believe that I was her top prospect to ask the age-old question of, “Where da weed at?’

Was it my leather jacket? Was it my new sense of New York City dweller cool that just seemed exuded from me? Did I appear to just know where all the drugs were and how to get them, like my life was a regular Studio 54? Was it because I was standing with two black men and racial profiling is alive and well in France? Was it because I, in fact, smelled like weed? Whatever the reason, I knew it was my time to shine and be the cool New Yorker that I am striving to be. Side note, I am fully aware that wanting to be cool automatically makes me uncool but. . .

I had zee weed on me. Which I think we can all agree is pretty cool.

Rarely do I feel very cool. There was a brief moment in time when I was 13 and I was the first one to start watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer but that was a fleeting moment. I am never the first to discover a band. I don’t have any tattoos, I don’t skateboard, I make small talk like an aunt at a Costco, specifically my aunt at a Costco, dishing out recipes to strangers in the warehouse-sized aisles. People would probably describe me as pleasant, funny, and kind before they would say cool which is fine. I don’t need to be cool. I am 32. I need career prospects and some sort of financial planning besides my boyfriends VHS collection. But not needing to be cool is what make me cool right?? Okay, now I just feel desperate. Even more so by the fact that I thought selling weed to a 20 something French woman would give me some sort of street credit. With who, I am not sure, perhaps the French?

 

At first, I thought, I’ll just give it to her for free. Be the cool American she’ll go back to the Sorbonne and tell all her friends in a salon-like setting,” Not all of the American’s are bad ( takes drag from a cigarette), ”Once, an American gave me zee weed for free in New York City and it made my trip C’est Magnifique. “ Exhaling smoke circles in the air that form a smoke portrait of me with a beret on my head. 

 

Then on the second thought, I decided to lean into the moment and give her a true New York experience. I charged her 10 dollars for the small amount of shake I had in my bag, she told me she felt cheated but she needed “zee weed” so she’d pay it and I simply said to her, “Well, oh la la frenchie these streets are tough. Just try finding this deal at the hostel. Au Revoir” And I tipped my beret I had imagined upon my head and walked alway into the night, in the wrong direction, corrected and walked passed her again with my jacket collar shielding my face from her. Pretty cool in my humble opinion.